Green Grass Memories
by Aikei-chan
Summary: written for XigXem day '07 Feb.1. Xigbar could remember everything from his other life. that didnt mean he could feel the way he did then. ONESHOT


Title: Green Grass Memories  
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts  
Character(s)/Shipping: Xigbar, Xemnas (XigXem)  
Rating: PG13  
Genre: ONESHOT retrospective  
Summary: written for XigXem day '07 (Feb.1). Xigbar could remember everything from his other life. that didnt mean he could feel the way he did then.   
Disclaimer: dont own KH characters, yadda yadda you know the drill.

Xigbar could remember everything from his other life. He could remember every breath he took as Braig and every friend he had made in that lifetime that had stuck throughout it. Every one of the ex-apprentices could remember existing with a heart pounding in their now-empty shells. Xemnas theorized that it was because of the unnatural removal of their hearts by failed experiment and Xigbar went along with it. He always had trusted the younger man anyway. He could remember the successful experiments as well as the failed ones that could cause something as minor as singed hair or as major as asphyxiation. He remembered the recuperations from failures and the paper cuts along the way to success. He could remember long conversations with Dilan and comfortable silences with Elaeus. He could remember the faces of Even and Ienzo when they refused to argue with Ansem as well as the changes in them and himself when he did, among the silence, just that. He could remember everything a normal memory would retain.

He could remember the sun.

Xigbar could remember how it felt to be lying on the grass with the warm wind blowing blades of grass past his face.

Xehanort liked grass.

Xigbar remembered laughing at how childish the other man looked whenever he plucked the strips of green from the ground and let the wind carry them away like dreams in the clear blue sky. He remembered the frown Xehanort's lips would form into every time he teased him about the habit years later, which was always followed with a comment about his own maturity level.

He remembered liking Xehanort like that. Free and almost pure on those warm summer Sundays when research was the last thing on their minds, as if reliving his childhood could be done in a few hours. Xigbar could remember how Xehanort would laugh whenever he would pin him down on the grass and could remember feeling like nothing mattered but that moment in the sun.

He could remember how Xehanort's lips felt against his own. He could remember the dry skin becoming moist during the exchange of saliva and slick muscle that had been breathtaking. He remembered Xehanort's breathless pants and the strong legs wrapped tightly around him as they had sex on that grass that the younger man had found so fascinating earlier.

He remembered being in love.

He didn't feel that anymore. He couldn't remember how love felt.

Xigbar could remember having done all those things; having felt so much for one person on one day in one place that he knew he had felt was perfect. He could remember having felt this flurry of emotion, but he could not remember what it felt like. He couldn't remember the feeling of feeling. All he could remember was the fact that he, no, Braig had felt all those wonderful things that anyone with a heart could.

Xigbar had given up remembering how it felt long ago. He could remember enjoying it. Could remember basking in the sunlight with Xehanort in his arms. He could remember that he had felt truly happy in those few moments free of laboratories and tests. Now all he felt was the empty, hollow ache of something missing. He used to sit up in bed, concentrating on the memories and all the emotions he knew he had once and try. Try hard to fill that empty cavity that haunted him.

He didn't do this anymore. He had let go of disillusion the day he realized it was pointless. He had better things to do with his time.

This was why he followed Xemnas.

He could watch the man for hours and never feel even a hint of what he knew he had felt when he was Braig. All he felt was loyalty and companionship. Those were not emotions. Those were chemical reactions. He knew this as well as the other five former scientists did. Companionship, excitement, panic, fury. Those were all physical; caused by the release of brain chemicals to the nervous system. And loyalty? That was just logic.

He wanted to feel real emotion again.

He wanted that shadow in his spirit to fade away and return to what it once was. He had given up on dreaming. Now was time for action. He had always trusted Xehanort before and this wasn't going to stop with the loss of their hearts.

"A little lost II?"

Xigbar didn't turn to the sound of the all too familiar voice, just stayed in his standing position staring up at the heart shaped moon they all desired so much.

"Nah. Just thinking."

Footsteps echoed in the large, empty room as the man who he had known for so long walked to his side, looking up at the same idol as him.

"Braig will only return when we reach our goal, Xigbar."

Xigbar finally looked over at his superior, his friend, a half smirk gracing his lips; a smirk that could easily be confused with a smile.

"I'll follow you to the end, kid."

A comfortable silence before an equally unreadable smile as two eyes met one. Xemnas' mouth opened to say something, anything, that could express what he believed he should feel. Finally, with his smile shifting to a smirk, he spoke.

"Don't call me kid, II."

A snort followed by hollow, yet all too real, laughter bounced off the walls and was lost in the emptiness of the castle, but it didn't matter.

This moment was theirs and no one else's.


End file.
